Jenny's What Ahatlab Means To Me

This web page describes how Ahatlab has changed my life.

I have a lot to be grateful for from being a part of Ahatlab. My story is a long one, so I hope you have time. I need to put the story in the context of my life so that the significance of the effect of ahatlab on my life is more completely understood.

I came into ahatlab with head hanging low and a lot of personal baggage weighing heavily on my back. Although my interest in research was sincere, I had a lot of low self-esteem due to my past. This past includes spending the first 10 years of adult life buried under depression that went undiagnosed and untreated, and then my thirties spent dealing with my problems with therapy and medication, and slowly trying to get my life back on track. It was a difficult journey because I traveled it alone. Not that I don't have family who wanted to help, but they refused to see the situation through my eyes, and we never connected in a truly healthy way.

Life was once very rosy, and I think the difference between that promise and the current status of my life kept me shell-shocked and frightened for a very long time. I wanted to better myself and pull myself to a healthier place, but it was very difficult to see any brightness in life from the very dark shadows of depression. Still, I tried. I lobbied Matt Johnson for help with figuring out the path to a Ph.D. He gave me a lot of good advice, and recommended me to Hilary when I finally decided that I wanted to learn about information retrieval systems. That was my way in. I got a good reference. I had no idea that Matt had opened a very big door for me, or that what lay ahead would transform me forever.

That's where my story starts...walking into Ahatlab with head hanging low and a lot of personal baggage weighing heavily on my back. I was so insecure, so afraid of her other thesis students, and so convinced that I really didn't deserve to be here. I tried to disappear every week into the walls of the meeting room, feeling grateful just to be in this group but not really thinking I belonged. I wanted to be like the others, but they were so together, and I was an emotional wreck. How would I ever transition? Would they find out I was a crock? Was it really possible for me to achieve something in this group? Was I up to the task? I spent many meetings just hoping not to be "found out".

I took notes every week in lab meeting and tried to find a thesis subject. I can't even remember where I started. It had to do with ACUT, of course, but that was many moons ago. I transitioned from one topic to another, trying to figure out what was doable for me and also interesting enough. I went through a handful of ideas in the course of the first year, I believe. Then I started looking at ACUT and the usage problem. I asked Hilary if a usage study made for a legitimate thesis. She said yes, and the seed of my future was sown.

My research started out with understanding informal education, and how to motivate students and faculty to use and support ACUT. I remember getting into a bit of a tussle over the differences between motivation and engagement. Jabari was doing research on engagement, and I tried to get to the bottom of the issue with him. I think I scared Hilary, as I tended to approach things like a mack truck. Look straight ahead and accomplish my goal...and take no prisoners. I think Hilary told me to calm down a bit. She gave me the motherly "I know more than you, and you need to just trust me on this" talk. Looking back, that just makes me laugh. But I think it also revealed that I was dedicated to my mission, and I think that's a good thing.

So I started reading, and reading...and, well, reading. I was so worried at the time that I wasn't really going anywhere. I thought maybe I had my hand on the proverbial elephant, but that I was definitely grasping at the wrong end of the beast. Over time, though, I came to realize that everything I read informed everything I read later on. As the months moved on, I started seeing a cogent picture of what I was trying to define...informal education, motivation, and other things I can't recall right now. (Insert joke. Losing track of my thoughts is a common problem of mine.) I was reading about other countries' experiences with informal education, I was trying so hard to find articles that were relevant. Every time I found something, I wanted to celebrate. In retrospect, my search abilities were atrocious. I wasn't close to finding any of the stuff I would later find so helpful. I was still on the upward climb of the search learning curve, but I didn't know it. I think my ignorance of my ignorance was a good thing at the time. Otherwise, I would have just gotten depressed at the lack of my search skills and possibly given up.

A year of hell intervened. My dad had two major surgeries, and I am his primary caretaker. We also were trying to sell the house. That became a big interference, as during the house showing, access to my desktop was reduced, and a faulty laptop didn't make things any easier. It took forever for us to move into the condo, and, again, I was primarily responsibly for handling the actual move. My dad is eighty. He still roars like a dragon, but his body is not as strong. I had to do most of the work. Yes, we had movers, but movers don't unpack for you and organize your new place. It was a lot of work, and it actually dragged me into another episode of depression. I was anxious about research, but there was so much unpacking to do. I spent many days looking at the boxes, fretting about research, and then going back to sleep. It wasn't good.

I survived the year of hell, and moved on. At some point not too long ago, Hilary had an epiphany. She said my research on informal education tied into her work on integrating metacognition into her classes. What we should do, she said, was integrate metacognition into ACUT and see if that raised the usage of the tutorial. It was brilliant, of course. And it pulled my research onto the fast track. I started reading about metacognition, studying educational psychology, and suddenly I was pulled into my research like I had never been pulled into it before. I found the reading fascinating. I started buying the books I was reading, saying I would read the parts that were less urgent on a rainy day.

Then the skies opened up...in the form of twiki. I found it to be an especially useful way of organizing and storing my ramblings and research work. I was on a roll. For once, I felt, I was being very productive behind Hilary's back and going off on my own with great verve. I started visiting the Psych-Ed library at Cal. I spoke to Kate about my new career ambition--to become an academic librarian (at Cal!) and participate in other people's research while staying close to the topics I loved. I would tell myself the Psych-Ed library was my dream job, and got ahead of myself figuring out how I would go to SJSU after CSU East Bay to earn my library master's, and then somehow, magically, end up in the Psych-Ed library at Cal. For once, I felt totally focused on my future, and saw clearly how I could get there from here. My future brightened, and I was starting to lose my cloak of depression.

This brings me to now. I have been working consistently on research lately, along with grading a new batch of metacognition infused classes taught by Hilary. It all kind of comes together and feeds on itself. What I see in the students inspires me in a way that no journal article on metacognition or educational psychology ever could. It's a different learning environment--positive rather than punitive--and I see how it really motivates the students...and me. And the reading that I'm just eating up these days informs me fully. I am really on my way, finally, to moving along on this thesis. Hilary says I'm almost done. I'll believe it when my proposal gets accepted. She says so because my data is ready for analysis. I don't have to go out and collect more. It's ready. That's a huge advantage, I know.

So, in summary, my progress through the past, I think, three years in Hilary's lab has transformed me from a hunched over, extremely self-doubting person to someone who is interested in life and totally motivated about her research. It is through my experiences in Ahatlab that I have found what I was always looking for...a reason for being, or something I was truly passionate about. My interest in educational psychology and metacognition actually surprised me, yet it made so much sense. I've always loved to learn, and always wondered about the learning process. But I never made the connection to do research on this topic. I've found my calling. A topic that truly engages me, and a career (librarianship!) to practice it in. I couldn't be happier than I am now in the career aspects of my life. And I really do have Hilary to thank for it. She coached me when I was too down on myself, waited patiently when I couldn't figure things out, and helped orient me to a topic that really inspires me to want to hang around for a while. Of course, the friendship of everyone in the lab also helped bring me out of my depressive shell. I think I was a very hard egg to crack, but the love and support of the lab helped me find my way again. And for that I am eternally grateful. Now if only I could get my damn thesis proposal out the door!

- 16 May 2008